an apology

blistering heat
from the scourged and scoured sun
is turning and burning my skin
to a radiant dayglow rainbow 
of blues purples and reds

almost as cosmetically vibrant 
as the playful autumn leaves
shifting and drifting in swirling hot waves
as they dance to feverish mirliton serenades
over and around my broken body and mind

from ground level view the weeds rise tall
thistle crowns clover and dandelions
push skyward obscuring my vision
as the weeks creep by I lie
no more rivers
no more sky

my vision grows dimmer oh my eyes
and my muscles grow weak and sore
i know that even though i can't move them now
i can't move them anymore

the resurgent trees
suspend me now
branches spreading through my soul
compromising my fragile mortality
but physical pain has long since subsided
tears have lost their meaning
i can almost see the ground below

is this what it feels like to die
or is this what it feels like to live
ive risen so much been lifted up so high
by something so incomprehensively grand
without asking of me a thing to give


please forgive us mother nature earth
we have taken shaken and forsaken thee
only time will help us now
do with mankind as you will
life is over for me
i know that i cant speak for the rest of humanity

but i'm sorry...

fml and me

truth be told there is no truth
only smiling lies spoon fed to us 
since our carpet-crawling baby days of youth.

lies we were told to swallow like bad medicine
don’t you dare spit them out
for Christ’s sake keep them in.

of course the ones who passed along what they believed
were only a product of what their own parents had conceived
there is plenty of fault to go around
plenty of ignorant necks to hang 
the shame and blame about
the cycle goes on forever 
the give and the receive.

can it really be possible to break the chains
to swim against the swirling current
to row valiantly against the red tide
to vomit forth the grisly mass 
of delusional loyalty built up inside
after generations of acceptance 
just fucking stop
and start thinking for ourselves?

it’s sad really sad
hurts really bad
like a wagon ride pounding down a cobblestone street
when my pounding head needs extra pain relief
like a stab of light when I open my eyes to see
might as well keep them shut all the time.

FML and me…

puppy cries

i threw my coat on
unzipped and flapping in the morning wind
blowing around the corner 
of the house
down the sidewalk i saw a small black pup with big brown eyes
looking so tiny he could fit in my pocket 
small as a mouse

as i approached him oh so slowly
he seemed to want to run
i called him and offered out my hand
with a quiet smile
with hesitation and a bit of fear he came closer to me little wags of his tail
his little body was cold I could tell
hungry and tired

he smelled my fingers
his little tongue licked my thumb
he drew nearer to me needing my warmth
i bent down and gently picking him up walked back home

he ate every morsel of the kibble I put down
and drank up every drop
when he finally finished his belly was so full and round
i thought he just might pop
his little eyes closed slowly as I rubbed that pudgy belly
and he drifted off to a puppy sleep
not sure where he came from
but he was welcome in my home forever.

when dreams mix

strange moments like these seem a lifetime ago and part of someone else's past they sit back in one dark corner of my brain waiting for me to think about them again. 
 when i've been drinking too much or see an old friend in my sleep or hear an old song or smell a smell that i just can't remember what it means to me 
 oh when my dreams mix with my memories it's tough to tell them apart and after enough time passes by separating them is so hard 
 it makes me wonder if what i recall isn't real at all... it makes me wonder if the past i remember is make believe just fantasy... 
 a figment as they say product of a warped imagination the result of too many drugs 
 others call it creative insanity oh yes they get it but no one listens to them so they all shake their heads and settle for a big weird group hug 
 but i'm not like that i know what's going on i know i'm in control 
 just don't follow me ok i march to my own drum now let me sleep i have my future to create...

the seers (part I)

pulling at their leash

pulling against their hand

pulling against their restriction of life

pushing against their wall

pushing against their will

pushing against their boundaries of life

the seers say:

the binds that hold you down 

are also keeping you safe

with your best interests in mind 

they prevent your escape

open minds are also open 

to fear, sin, and pain

evil thoughts, evil deeds, evil acts

will surely warp the unprotected brain…

straining to see over

straining to see around

straining to hear the sounds of life

counting the minutes

counting on my hands

counting on the circle of life

but the seers say:

the bars that hold you in 

are also keeping enemies out

with our best intentions at heart 

we’re removing all doubt

we can’t just sit by

and let your soul be lost

evil thoughts, evil deeds, evil acts

will surely bring about the ultimate cost…

as i sit on the curb

and wait for the light to dim

i can feel hope slowly melting away 

resistance is low 

no strength to fight

exactly the result they’re planning on

i thought to myself

no way am i giving up…

to be continued

take it from me

every old worn out today is the same as an armful of brand new yesterdays quit trying to replace the future with things from the past 
 it aint gonna work and it won’t stand the test of time that’s not how life’s supposed to be you’ll find out soon enough take it from me 
 all your childlike tantrums fall flat when you aren’t a child but act that way quit trying to bring back what has already passed 
 it didn’t work before and you’re stupid to even try that’s not how you’re supposed to be you’ll find out soon enough take it from me 
 slow down and take a look back at where you’ve been should retrace your steps or not which direction do they go where do they lead 
 just remember… not every step forward is a step up and not all steps back are only down try to learn from your mistakes and cherish each victory each new day has a keyhole and each has a key 
 knowing which to use and when is the difference between standing still falling back or moving ahead from where you’ve been

happy happy joy joy

happy thoughts happy pictures happy photographs fleeting across the landscape of my brain smiling faces smiling people smiling photographs floating across like bubbles in the rain joyful hearts joyful souls joy filled photographs i wanna sing i wanna dance i want to laugh for once in i don’t know how long i actually feel like i belong unpacking my things letting down my guard doesn’t feel so wrong in this warm cozy sunny wonderful world where each bird saliently sings his soliloquy to the young skipping freckled girls… with playful fuzzy puppies and flowering flowers and no black killing disease where fluttering butterflies and cotton clouds surf whirling waves of sunshine in the laughing afternoon vanilla breeze happy thoughts happy pictures shit they’re all gone wtf happened? the smiles nope and the bubbles all popped they’re just wet fucking circles on the dirty ground i wanted to stay there you assholes—let me go you bind my hands and take my pants and stab my arms instead I’m confused was i hurting anyone was i being a threat to society i wasn’t jumping off a building or anything they hold me down but don’t talk to me this is my reality.

for the world to see

here i sit behind locked door held forever in an icy prison my ass stuck to the floor so numb and blue i got no feeling left except frosty feelings for you i can see beyond the bars a warm world outside full of happiness and joy and smiles but in here i’m so unbelievably cold and every day I age i’m getting so old… my fingers can’t hold anything you’re frozen solid in my brain it’s my own frigid siberian hell there’s no escaping i know there’s no way to break out of this cell… why do you drag me like a carcass behind your cart all the people laugh at what’s left of my heart they all point look and shake their heads weaving through the city streets the shattered remains of my love on display for the world to see…

static

he sits alone on the precipice of his life looking down he dares not look up for fear of losing his grip to tip the precarious balance between dark and light is enough of a push to make one simple step a fatal slip sitting in silence with the buzzing panic of static in his head it spreads through his concentration like a spinning cloud of electric flies he tries not to notice but it’s no use he closes his eyes so tight but it grows louder and louder until it totally encases his mind tightly wrapped in a translucent filminess amber yellow and warm swirling gray infused by popping and crackling sparks tenuous fingers pry and poke into his thoughts cracking open and scrambling his brain typical ordinary life is the normal exception anymore just a short intermission as the demon sleeps that fatal slip is looking more and more tempting a means to an end farewell to family foes and friends

brainstems & rainstorms

a systemic resorting of systematic phases just circular patterns in their symbiotic mazes synaptic consolation so intense just the chaotic surface tension of canvas circus tents (tragic circumstance) structural integrity now so compromised unstable unusual usability grid shows bias rapid synaptic diminishing of the pendulous arc moves visual acuity towards abandonment in light of the dark brain stems and rain storms flashes of electric as the funnel forms refracting reflecting in and off unfocused eyes lacking comprehension blackened depthless dimensions brain stems and rain storms torrential bitstreams are now the norm bridging the bituminous gap between sighs and cries crackling transmissions attempting synaptic emissions no counter no response no reply at all reactor reaction is null zero pulse zero current zero beat operation is incomplete…

outlook

choose a view of the current plan hold it closely in your gentle hands enjoy your life as long as you can reach your conclusion, notify me to slow down, nod, or disagree the future’s past is all I can see i can’t explain how you will feel just be careful to show, conceal be very cautious to hide, reveal outlooks change when directions won’t opinions change when people don’t pick your poison, where you choose to go follow your heart at the fork in the road don’t tarry, don’t stop don’t you worry about me I’ll be along soon I’ll follow suit you’ll see I’m just mesmerized by the sight of the masses lulled into action by the orange piper’s flute

walking to the store

a pulsating staccato of rainbow music

peppered through the cracked window

pausing only for a moment to saturate my day

in one ear and out the other

and back again

i stepped out on the front yard grassy ground

but wanted only to turn right around

and go back in

alas the warm amber butterfly afternoon pulled me outdoors

past my mailbox the hot sidewalk moved beneath my shoes

a sudden breeze sent tree leaves leaving down the black tar street

plastic glass cars swiftly pass my way

slightly slow yet much too fast to say

roundabout to roundabout they proceed

highways and avenues the city to countryside commute

not me i said to myself absolutely positively resolute

walking to the store

i can feel my thoughts flow as they pour

like clear cool water from a flooded reservoir

walking to the store

i’m not living in my memories just sweeping the floor

of my brain remnants before they gather much more

walking to the store

strolling past a plethora of shuttered shoppe doors

when secrets are the reason you draw your daily breath

then secrets aren’t secret anymore

A Textual Ramble 3.25.16

when our sun bursts and dries to a filmy circle upon the dusty linoleum floor of the universe, we shall see a path...

and that path will be rocky on our soles and our souls. and that rocky path will force us to purge our hearts and set our eyes above what lies at our feet, and upon what lies ahead on the horizon. what really matters most. not what we can see, touch, or hear, but what we feel in our hearts as compassion for our fellow citizen. whatever form that compassion takes is welcome, as long as it is not self-serving but aids another citizen in becoming a better citizen, a better friend, a better mentor.

but that alone cannot replenish our souls and set our feet upon the right path to the right place. synchronized fluidity within our senses can only be attained when solidarity is established between the nucleus of our gestation and the outbound motivators that threaten our steadfast perseverance.

coincidently, the actions that dictate our counteractions have been set in motion prior to the beginning of our existence. with our lives so dependent upon validation and personification of idolatry we falter at tangible exchange and interaction. we cling to our castles in the air, our golden rings, our false gods. we are quick to level our justification, slow to embrace self-evaluation, dismissing criticism as pointless pointed words & catchy catch phrases.

immovable sanctions with unlimited boundaries create virtual walls surrounding our toils and play alike. no one is as blissful as one unaware of his shackle chains, and he chooses to dismiss them as only links of love. 

mayors and kings fill their pockets and heads with riches and thoughts of more than they could ever imagine, always disappointed with what riches they have, always greedy to grab the very most, always needy to boast about their greed.

Ice ice baby.

Eldorado

with hammer in hand he approached the wall

with determination and motive and drive

no distraction from his mission


anger or hate wasn’t that small quiet voice

of an evil deity whispering in his ear

portraying the harbinger of dire times to fear

no warped perspective of society

distorted his perception

his brain was right his vision clear


he struck the stone with such raw primal force

the wall stones exploded violently

releasing fragments of life and death

into the air land and sea


and the dust was cleared

and the road revealed

and the land ahead could be seen


he led the masses forward

through the rocks and debris

he carried the sick ones

and the lame and elderly

crushing the rocks to sand below his feet


he led the masses home

through the dark of night and day’s heat

fighting and fending off

the hostile foes and enemies

until safety and happiness were reached


and the miles were passed

the destination gained at last

it was their Eldorado shining bright and fast

Years

feel the cold wrinkled soul of the lonely old man
just lying there waiting to die…
rests his back on a sack
of aluminum cans,
with the life flowing out of his eyes.

the world he once knew
had passed as he grew
and like a pair of worn shoes was replaced,
the house he called home
and his warm comfort zone,
were torn down
to open up space.

it could’ve been worse he thought to himself
as his hope perked like a pound puppy’s ears,
but days bounced like boulders
on his chest
and his shoulders
as they piled up
into years.

his energy waned
as he wrestled and strained
the concrete sidewalk was stained from the fight,
the cardboard box he called home
a makeshift personal zone,
had been torn from the rain overnight.

with one final breath
he almost welcomed his death
it seemed so peaceful and damn right inviting…

lunatic wind

it's just that lunatic wind again
looking for an open mind to blow in…


it's just an old forgotten man 
pacing the cracked linoleum
dusty musty summer afternoons 
at the old folk's home.

up and down the waxey yellow hallway he goes
back and forth in his linty flappy slapping slippers
and old flannel robe
he must be getting closer
he knows…

grumbling chuckles underneath his breath
crackling echoes through his poligrip teeth
a sharp rapping tapping of his cane
on the visitor lounge window pane
makes the children scatter
like cats in the rain
and brings a smile
to the mildly insane.

shuffling back to his room he retraced his steps
pausing a minute to count how many
empty pepper bottles were left
how many stood on his window sill…

each one represented a tender embrace
and the smile he remembered
on his grandson's face
as he fell asleep after the late show
and taking his pills.

they carried his belongings out in a great big box
the staff were busy with red tape and paperwork
they buried him and his belongings in another box
down in the ground, back to the earth.

the old flannel robe
was buried with him
but no one minded
no one batted an eye.

the crazy wind was calm that day

crunch my data instead

repetitively incompletely synchronized
with the sync,
another inconsistent error materialized
breaking the link

whatever clicks with you
clicks with me
your ui shows it graphically
at least that's what you said
stack my punchcards in your corner
and reel my tape around your head
boot me up and then power me down
please don't wipe my drive…
crunch my data instead.

sure my screen is cracked
gorilla glass my ass
i can still see you
in all your 5 megapixel glory...
been your silent partner for way too long
and i can't handle another update
time for the toss in the rubbermaid tote
to seal my technological fate,
end of story.

time lender

brother can you lend some time…


fingers black dirty and broken nails
scratch across the cardboard home
with arms crossed defiantly

a wooden fire crackles low and cold
and the smoky pipes trickle mud
into the heavy evening air

streaming fog water puddles
down the glass bottles
lining the shopping cart path

he forces half a smile
thru long forgotten teeth
offers one shaky hand
to shake mine
thanks me with a cough
and a raspy laugh


i can only give you hope
i'm not the keeper of time
i don't wear the coat of many colors
or the cloak of invincibility

i'm only a man of limited powers
with no real light to shine
but i'll be happy to stand beside you
and lend a hand for eternity


then he slowly turns away
knowing fate is inherently fickle
she only picks a few lucky winners
in the lottery of life

those who'll move on
those who will succeed
those fortunate few
who help the unlucky others
are lucky ones indeed

i look down at my hands
broken nails and all
and the sagging paper roof and muddy floor
of the box i call home

i have to smile through the emptiness
i guess i can't complain
i suppose i have nothing left to lose
and all the world to gain

i called out his name...

frozenfoes

they huddled around the roaring warmth as closely as they could
the flames licked their hands until their skin smelled like burnt wood
they tried not to exchange glances
casting their eyes to the ground
but every now and then they took their chances
to take a sneaky look around

carcasses of their enemies
piled up like frozen logs
the only refuge from the pounding seas
and the howling growling dogs
on the wind a cacaphony of lonely mountain cries
wilderness calls from those alone
to the deaf ear of the arctic skies...

Diddly

There I was walking among the swaying trees, palms I think, although I didn't give it much thought at the time. I was deep in thought. Trying to release what i had to release, retain what I had to retain. Regain what I lost. Restrain what I couldn't hold back…

Ok I digress. Did you know that digression is a form of expression, but only to yourself? Tragically too many people don't realize this. Or realize that. Whatever person you're talking in or to.

Anyway, I was walking among those trees. The fronds were slapping against my wet legs, or maybe my legs were dry and the fronds were wet. That seems a little more logical. They were the ones out in the rain overnight, not my legs. I can prove it. Just don't ask for photos.

The waves crashed against the rocks and I ate a sandwich. That was after I got out of the trees and being frond-slapped. It was a good sandwich, made of lettuce, tomato, and some kind of white cheese with sliced turkey. No spread though which made it rather dry. Quite the opposite of my wet legs.

All of a sudden I saw a red and silver jalopy swerving down the beach toward me. The driver's door was swinging open and closed, and sand was kicking up everywhere as it bore down on me.

Of course I stood there like my socks had been cast in iron and welded to 10 yards of 1" boilerplate. I suppose either I didn't believe my eyes, or I had left my glasses back in the room and just plain couldn't see it, which I knew I hadn't done or I never would have made it down the hotel stairs. I dove to the right—my right, not yours— into a small minty-smelling grove of flowers, and narrowly escaped being the victim of a heinous jalopicide. As it turns out all I was a victim of was yellow flowerburns on my elbows.

I climbed to my feet, and brushed myself off—something mostly done by others—and looked around for the jalopy. It had tumbled on down the beach and had come to a jolting stop against a white picked fence about 20 yards away.

A scraggly little terrier jumped up on the back seat and start barking at me as I got closer. I didn't see any other people in the car, not that the terrier was a person, although I have considered them more intellectually focused than more than just a few people I've known.

"Had the dog been driving? Wow what a question," I thought to myself.

Anyone looking at me would have notivced an inquisitive expression on my face, but I don't think the terrier did. He just kept barking.

I had stopped short of the back bumper, fearing a nasty terrier bite. Especially after being frond-slapped. The barking was getting on my nerves. Finally I cleared my throat and conjured up some words to throw at the mutt.

"Hey! Have you been driving this vehicle without a proper license?" I said in my most authoritative officer-of-the-law tone.

The terrier just cocked his head and looked at me like I had suddenly gone blurry. "Great he's drunk too," I thought.

"Where's your driver's license?" I said again, acting impatiently with a slight bit of agitation mixed in for good measure. "Have you one or are you operating outside of the law?"

Another head cock. But this time he also stood up higher on the back seat and I could see his tail wagging. Flop, flop, flop, slapping against the vinyl upholstery it slapped.  

"Bark!" he said. "Bark, bark."

I could tell he had plenty to say but since I had no translator it was tough for me to figure out. This terrier was definitely no Lassie.

Maybe he was just an unfortunate passenger in a vehicle that was abandoned by it's driver at a most inopportune time. I decided to take a chance and look inside the car for clues. Taking care to not arouse his suspicion, I slowly walked over and peered through the open driver's side door and looked at the floorboards. No blood or anything. No silky lingerie. Nothing but a ragged gray Dodge floormat.

I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. I felt a bit uneasy and snuck a glance to see what he was doing, and his eyes locked with mine. It wasn't a happy meeting.

He began barking crazily and running around the back seat like he had just treed a mama raccoon in July. Then he jumped out of the car and ran around to where I was bent over and snapped at my khaki cargo shorts, pulling at the right pocket where I kept my cellphone and keys.

"HEY NOW!" I shouted. "I mean you no harm! Bacon! Squirrel!" I hoped those magical words and a good strong hand motion towards the trees would distract him, and maybe make him run away salivating. It didn't work and he continued pulling at my pants. Great. Dog slobber.

"What's going on here?" a husky voice from behind me said. The terrier released his bite to see where the voice came from and I turned to see a short, portly gentleman in hip waders and a red and white striped shirt walking up.

"There you are Diddly," said the man, as the terrier jumped on him excitedly, licking his hands and face. "I was wondering what happened to you and my car."

"That's your dog and car?" I asked.

"Oh yes. Diddly—my little friend here—likes to take it out for a toddle every so often on the beach. Since it's mostly secluded I don't worry much, but it looks like he found you today!" he chuckled.

"I think he lost control of it this time. He crashed into this fence and I doubt the owner's of this house will be too happy about it," I said.

"He has a hard time with turn signals, and the clutch of course. Just not made for a dog's feet. I've been mulling sending a letter to Detroit about that. Of course I could always just break down and buy him a new car…one of those new sports jobs from Italy. But then he couldn't do any more beach driving, just strictly streets and his astigmatism just won't allow that. You know, the glare and all…especially in the afternoons."

I laughed. I laughed again. Just the thought of a dog driving was enough to toss the responsible party in the lock-up, but to actually encourage and accomodate it? Well that was too much. Way too much.

"Are you serious?" I said. "Diddly should'nt even be in the street let alone operating a moving vehicle." All of a sudden I sounded like my father. If I wasn't bald I would've sprouted a couple gray hairs and a new wrinkle or two. Good thing I wasn't wearing black socks with my shorts or I think I would've just sat down and cried.

The portly man's face grew a sad frown and I could tell he was either going to verbally abuse me or re-enact a scene from Westside Story.

"Oh you wander onto MY beach and tell me what MY dog can do with MY car? You make me sick. You and your close-minded culture full of only-humans-can-drive mentalities. You can all go straight to…"

Right then the jalopy engine fired up and roared to life with a smoky blue backfire. The wheels spun in reverse and I caught a glimpse of Diddly's ears flapping in the wind as he powered past us and drove directly into the surf. The car immediately died with a steamy hiss, and both the portly man and I ran out to see if we could rescue or recover the car or Diddly. I stopped short of the water because I was wearing new kicks and didn't want to expose them to a lot of sea water quite yet, but I shouted my encouragement from a dry patch of sand.

"I'm not risking ruining my good shoes over this kook and his mutt." I thought. "Grab him around the shoulders," I shouted, acting as if I knew anything about canine anatomy, and really cared.

The car was being pulled out to sea. As the man carried Diddly out of the water he kept glancing towards the disappearing vehicle, muttering something about insurance and his heart condition. As the waves swallowed it entirely we just stood and looked at the empty surf. Even Diddly seemed depressed. You could see it in his eyes. His wagging tail didn't help matters much though.

I shrugged and expressed my condolences, and then thanked the heavens above that the dog wouldn't be driving anymore.

I spent a few more days on the beach—in a different quiet area far from the Diddly spot—enjoying the sunny days and starry nights. As I checked out of the hotel and was loading my bags into the airport shuttle bus, I caught a glimpse of a brand new shiny blue sports car speeding by on the street in front of the hotel. I didn't see a driver but saw a short brown furry blur and heard a familiar bark.

It couldn't be...